So, I am sitting at my desk when a bird flies into the window. I felt sorry for him until it occurred to me that the little bastard was aiming for me.
Alright all you over achieving moms out there, we need to talk. It has come to my attention, through my elementary school connections, that some of you are upping the ante on St. Patrick’s Day.
According to my informants (who will sell you out for a snack size bag of Cheetos) “leprechauns” have been visiting the homes of children and doing a variety of unsavory acts like leaving behind green pee in the toilet, dumping trash cans and scattering magazines and shoes all over the floor. (that may just be my living room)
But, they are apparently also “good,” because they leave treats for the children like gold chocolate coins, and other assorted knickknacks and candy. Yeah, spoken like a person who does not have to clean the toilet, great deal for them. Well, this outrage has to stop.
First of all, you are bastardizing (I said it) a sacred holiday. Everyone knows St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated by eating boiled meat and vegetable products, which soak up the cheap, artificially colored beer you consume in far to large quantities. Do you regret it almost immediately, yes you do, but we don’t just quit on traditions, we are Americans (pretending to be Irish).
Second, real leprechauns are terrifying and we should not be encouraging our wee ones to trust and love them. How do you plan to explain that the leprechaun doesn’t have to flush, but your kids do? Why, because he’s a guest, do you really want to set that precedent? Don’t be surprised if the birthday party invites start to dry up if this is what you are teaching.
Leprechuan can’t be trusted, we have all seen the Lucky Charms commercials. That fellow does not have those children’s best interest at heart he just wants their food. Further, have none of you seen the movie Leprechaun, does this look like someone we should be encouraging our children to adore? I think not.
Finally, it is exhausting trying to keep up with all the holiday traditions as it is, do we really need to add one more thing to remember? I think I speak for most moms who struggle just to remember to send their kid to school in something green, preferable clean, to avoid them being pinched all day (which by the way, I forgot this year).
We don’t need you making us look bad, so cut it out. Try the green beer and boiled food, trust me it is much easier and it usually requires less cleaning up afterwards. Thank you for your time.
Recently we finished a bathroom re-model project. I learned many things during this process, like everything takes and costs at least 20% more than you would think, sinks do not come with drains included, you never have enough tile and the smaller the granite job, the lower you are on the installation list. But the best thing about the whole project was the purchase of a new toilet.
When we originally met with a remodeling company, who, by the way, quoted us a price which was a full $17,000.00 more than the project actually cost to complete, they advised us that Kohler products were top of line and we should not even consider using anything else, (I smell a kickback). Anyways, I have a soft spot in my heart for Kohler because I used to show Morgan horses and Herbert Kohler owns Kohler Stables and they won, a lot.
I always remember Mr. Kohler as an Ernest Hemingway type, world traveler, big game hunter, facial hair enthusiast. Google him sometime, you’ll see what I mean. Kohler Stables had the very best of everything, it was a class operation from top to bottom. I guess when your last name is Kohler and you live in Kohler, Wisconsin the world is your oyster.
I digress, back to the toilet. I had seen the rather odd Kohler ads in magazines, which I apparently am not cultured enough to appreciate. They have these weird, Toulouse Lautrec-ish figures mingled with sinks and toilets and are frankly very confusing, like a French art films. Well, as I found out those more cultured ads are for the “readers,” they have an entirely different advertising campaign for the Lowe’s shopper.
As I strolled down the toilet aisle I could not help but be amused by the large blue and white banners over the Kohler products which proclaim the following;
Well that’s nice, I guess those are qualities I admire in a toilet. I mean seriously, who would to buy a toilet that openly announced it was WEAK or COWARDLY. This clearly is meant to appeal to the NASCAR crowd of toilet shoppers.
We purchased one of these beasts and named it Bruce. The packaging alone was worth the price. Now I know writing copy for a toilet box is probably not a job which requires a Master’s degree in creative writing, but the Kohler marketing department is top-notch. For instance, Bruce has the following impressive features:
♦ Single-flush gravity and precision-engineered tank, bowl, and trapway to create a strong siphon during flushing. NICE! THE NEIGHBORS WILL BE SO JEALOUS!
♦AquaPiston canister allows water to flow into the bowl from all sides, increasing the power and effectiveness of the flush. SERIOUSLY, ALL SIDES? THANKS FOR THAT.
and my personal favorite,
♦Smarter Power. Flushes 4x more than the average adult needs. REALLY? DEFINE AVERAGE!
I have a serious case of ennui. What is that you may ask. Well, the definition of ennui (pronounced on-weeee) is “listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of occupation or excitement” Say what? Bored, ennui is a fancy way of saying I’m bored, its just more fun to say.
I thought I learned the word, like many things I know, from the TV show the X-Files. I was a big fan, and I remember a particularly creepy episode involving a guy lobotomizing people with an ice pick which I thought was called “Ennui.” Turns out it was called “Unruhe” which is German for unrest or anxiety, my bad. I must have learned it from my other reference source, the Gilmore Girls.
Anyways, I have a case of the winter blahs. Now my condition is not unique for people living in Ohio in March, but what is exceptional about my case is that I have apparently developed the ability to infect inanimate objects with debilitating cases of ennui.
It started with our bedside lamps, cute little things that light up when you touch their bases. About two weeks ago, they went rogue. Turning off when they felt like it despite my polite explanation that I only had two pages left in my book; randomly refusing to turn off when directed, forcing me to find a sock on the floor in order to untwist the very hot light bulb so I could go to sleep.
At one point they started working in tandem, one would turn off when the other turned on, then they would alternate proper operation. Finally, one completely died apparently from “lack of occupation.”
Last night, while watching Sherlock Holmes on streaming Netflix, at the very moment the sponsor of the serial killer was about to be revealed, the screen froze and sat there buffering. Seriously, it could not have timed it more perfectly. As it turns out, our wi-fi router just gave up. No warning, no apparent reason, but most certainly it experienced “dissatisfaction” probably for want of “excitement.”
We were never able to revive the router so Mr. Mayhem is off to the store today which is one task I have absolute certainty will be completed before I return home. I know this because, my husband feels a house which does not have Call of Duty capabilities is practically uninhabitable. Right now our X-box is purely decorative, this will be remedied, and quick.
Finally, this morning I awoke to a bracingly frigid house. I staggered downstairs to find the thermostat with a completely blank screen. Gave up, just quit, resulting in no furnace and no heat on an 18 degree night. An extraordinarily unpleasant surprise.
As it turns out, the programmable thermostat is not hard-wired, but instead is completely battery operated. We were able to fix it, however, Lil’ Mayhem’s electronic drum set is now inoperable. I am not sure that I am completely comfortable knowing that our household’s entire climate control system is reliant on the same power source that my daughter’s Disney Princess toothbrush uses. Does this seem right?
Hopefully, spring will get here soon before I take out something else.
I am currently in the middle of panic attack, OK panic is a bit strong, but I am agitated. The cause you ask, well first of all, thanks for caring that is why I like you, but I just realized it is February 26th, which means my daughter’s 10th birthday party is this Saturday and I have done nothing except invite a bunch of kids. Damn you February and your curious lack of days, if you had 30 days like all the other months we would have bumped her party to next weekend.
So here’s the situation, I have reserved the community pool and sent out invitations, but that’s it. It is shocking the amount of details that must be addressed for such an event and by the way, I still have clients who expect me to do the law thing all day.
My initial plan was to spend some time searching the Interweb to find beach totes which I would fill with flip flops, suntan lotion, beach balls and other swimming related bric a brac for the kids. Sounds great, right? Well it’s not happening since I totally forgot to do any of that.
I left the house early this morning and stopped at Meijers and Walmart desperately trying to find something to substitute for my fabulous tote idea. I did not have much luck since it is currently 30 degrees and apparently Meijers and Walmart don’t think it is swim appropriate weather.
Then I get to the office and switch to lawyer mode, dealing with the pressing legal issues of the day. Talking to clients on the phone while surfing the Target and Old Navy websites pricing out flip flops. Does anyone else have these kind of days?
At some point it dawns on me that I also need to send a birthday treat in on Friday for her class, and we will need plates, forks and napkins for the cake, and drinks, oh God I forgot about drinks. This is when the panic set in, please just shoot me now!
My husband has offered to help. In his defense he is not a slacker, but he has an uncanny way of creating chaos in these situations. For example, when my daughter was in preschool, I had purchased frosted cookies for her class, displayed them artfully on a glass platter and told him all he had to do was meet me at the school at 11:00 and bring the platter.
As my daughter was passing out the cookies I was doing a mental calculation and realized we were one cookie short. I looked at Mr. Mayhem and said, you ate a cookie didn’t you? He gave me his most aggrieved face and proceeded to make up some story about how one supposedly broke so he had to eat it. Yeah, you couldn’t possibly let it suffer.
Another time I dispatched him to a local retailer, known for their chocolate brownies, for Lil’ Mayhem to take to school. Everyone loves brownies, right? What could possibly go wrong? Well you could have a husband who chooses to buy German Chocolate Brownies for 5 year olds. Luckily, there were also some “normal” brownies which I was able to cut in half, but still c’mon man it is the rare young child that likes German Chocolate anything!
So this morning as I hastily bid him good-bye and he earnestly looked at me and said what can I do to help, I just looked at him and said “stay pretty.”
Applebees, may I ask you what’s up? What is it that I have done to you to make you hate me so. Let me fill you in, I am meeting my M.O.M. (which of course stands for Mother of all Mayhem) tonight for dinner to hand off about a pallet of Girl Scout cookies which she sold on my daughter’s behalf. Since she lives over two hours away, we generally meet at a midway point for dinner and Applebees fits the bill.
Now I have always been of the opinion that Applebees is a fine establishment, serving tasty American fare at fairly reasonable prices. All of that may still be true but, has anyone taken the time to read the nutritional information on their food?
I fancy myself a bit of an amateur chef so I am hip to fact that restaurants make their food taste great by adding copious amounts of salt, butter or both. That does not shock me, but the effect it has on the caloric output of the food has given me a case of the vapors.
As chronicled here, I am alloted 1300ish calories in a day. That total day allotment is eclipsed by one serving of Pecan-Crusted Chicken Salad (1320), Hand-Battered Fish & Chips (1570) or Three Cheese Penne (1300). Even the Oriental Chicken Salad, an Applebees best seller weighs in at 1390, if you get it will grilled chicken it only brings it down to 1290. Outrageous.
I see that they have a Weight Watchers section that has 7 options. Since I don’t eat shrimp or mushrooms (it’s a texture thing) that takes it down to 3 for me and even those are in the 500 range. Of those 3 options the sodium count averages 1926. Yikes, can’t use the butter, so I guess you double up on the salt it’s low cal!
No wonder we all need to lose weight in this country, we don’t have a chance. Unless you win the genetic lottery or are an in-training, professional athlete, there is no way you can eat out and not blimp up.
What’s a girl to do? I know I am being a total Debbie Downer here, but this is depressing. Applebees, I like you but c’mon man you gotta work with me here this is simply not cool.
Ok so I am putting Lose It! on notice, they are just being mean. Now I know, it is not their fault and I should not “hate the player” but c’mon man!
Here is what happened. As you probably know, I have started a weight loss odyssey. I am fortunate that I don’t have to lose a lot of weight, but losing 15 pounds presents its own unique set of challenges.
I started using Lose It! (exclamation point is theirs, not mine) at the beginning of the year to track my caloric intake and exercise. I plugged in my current weight, how much I wanted to lose and how fast I wanted to lose it. In return, I was given a caloric budget to reach my goal. My budget was 1436, seems reasonable, thanks a lot, nice doing business with you.
After week one I gleefully reported to my Lose It! overlord that I lost 2 pounds. It was great to see the little line on the goal graph head south. There were no bells, whistles or other sounds effects signifying my victory, which would have been nice, but not necessary. I carried on, determined to keep up the good work. I am very coachable.
Lo and behold after another week, I was down another 2 pounds, this really is working out marvelously. I reported my good news to my little digital friend and, again no applause, but the graph line movement was going to have to be enough. My excitement lasted until the first time I went to key in an english muffin and realized, my caloric budget had been slashed to 1390.
WHAT!!! Well, needless to say I Lost it! (exclamation point mine this time). That is just mean. Now the thrill of stepping on the scale and seeing the needle stop, (yes, I use an old school scale, I like that the result can be open to interpretation) is now tempered by the fact I will have to report this success to my phone and I will be forced to either exercise more or eat less the next week, neither option is super appealing because I am a little lazy and like to eat.
In conclusion, I realize it is not the folks at Lose It!’s fault that you are essentially punished for good behavior, I am just saying I am going to blame them.