While cleaning out a desk drawer I realize that for a person who does not own or use a bulletin board, I have a very impressive collection of thumbtacks.
Alright all you over achieving moms out there, we need to talk. It has come to my attention, through my elementary school connections, that some of you are upping the ante on St. Patrick’s Day.
According to my informants (who will sell you out for a snack size bag of Cheetos) “leprechauns” have been visiting the homes of children and doing a variety of unsavory acts like leaving behind green pee in the toilet, dumping trash cans and scattering magazines and shoes all over the floor. (that may just be my living room)
But, they are apparently also “good,” because they leave treats for the children like gold chocolate coins, and other assorted knickknacks and candy. Yeah, spoken like a person who does not have to clean the toilet, great deal for them. Well, this outrage has to stop.
First of all, you are bastardizing (I said it) a sacred holiday. Everyone knows St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated by eating boiled meat and vegetable products, which soak up the cheap, artificially colored beer you consume in far to large quantities. Do you regret it almost immediately, yes you do, but we don’t just quit on traditions, we are Americans (pretending to be Irish).
Second, real leprechauns are terrifying and we should not be encouraging our wee ones to trust and love them. How do you plan to explain that the leprechaun doesn’t have to flush, but your kids do? Why, because he’s a guest, do you really want to set that precedent? Don’t be surprised if the birthday party invites start to dry up if this is what you are teaching.
Leprechuan can’t be trusted, we have all seen the Lucky Charms commercials. That fellow does not have those children’s best interest at heart he just wants their food. Further, have none of you seen the movie Leprechaun, does this look like someone we should be encouraging our children to adore? I think not.
Finally, it is exhausting trying to keep up with all the holiday traditions as it is, do we really need to add one more thing to remember? I think I speak for most moms who struggle just to remember to send their kid to school in something green, preferable clean, to avoid them being pinched all day (which by the way, I forgot this year).
We don’t need you making us look bad, so cut it out. Try the green beer and boiled food, trust me it is much easier and it usually requires less cleaning up afterwards. Thank you for your time.
Comic-Con, what can I say, its an experience.
Upon arrival we realized something was different about this place as we pulled up behind a pedi-cab and Mr. Mayhem says “hey, that looks like the chair from Game of Thrones!” Having not seen the show, I said no, I think it looks like a Thanksgiving turkey, why someone would be driving a Thanksgiving pedi-cab in downtown San Diego in July I could not surmise.
We parked the car and paid a very reasonable $50 for the priviledge, why not, and waded into the madness. Everywhere you looked there was craziness, at every street corner people thrust swag items into your hand which you just accepted because at some point you realize it is futile to explain you don’t need a Defiance key ring, a True Blood rubber bracelet or an Ender’s Game button. My prize possession of this free crap bonanza is the Sharknado t-shirt.
We continued on to the actual convention hall. Now, we did not have tickets to get inside, but this did not matter, the spectacle surrounding the place was more than enough to entertain almost anyone. Behind the convention hall was a life size display of The Shire made completely of legos, the actual mystery machine from Scooby doo and three story tall inflatable Teen Titans, it was madness.
After taking in as much as our midwestern sensibilities could comprehend we made our way back to our car in its very expensive, tiny resting place. We made quite a haul that day, and saw many unusual sights but the highlight of my daughter’s day was captured in this picture, which she is now lobbying to have made into our Christmas card.
For those of you who haven’t heard, we recently stayed on Coronado Island for vacation. A fun fact about Coronado is that it is home to a Naval Base which hosts Navy SEAL training. This is certainly more interesting than the fact that Orville Redenbacher died on the island, which is equally true.
After a little research, I found SEAL is an acronym for “Sea Air and Land” teams which confused me, because the correct acronym should be the SALs. This is possibly not be the vibe they want to put out, hence the Navy’s liberal interpretation of acronym rules. Regardless, Navy SEAL training is notoriously brutal, with something like a 90% “wash out” rate. Sounds pleasant.
During our stay we rented bikes, because we pride ourselves on being an active family, and pedaled around the island. As an aside, the bike rental company had an incredibly clever name, our hotel is known as “The Del,” and the bike rental was called “peDels.” Brilliant, right? OK, so they took a little liberty with the spelling of pedal, but its cute.
So, as we bike around the island we come to this beautiful park. What makes this particular place extra scenic were the gorgeous physical specimens jogging around the park, shirtless and sweaty in all their 3% total body fat glory. My goodness, even my 10-year-old daughter immediately realized these are not the normal humans we are accustomed to seeing in our world. Even the fittest amongst us do not come close to the degree of physical perfection these guys have attained. For this, I salute them and thank them for their contribution to my vacation.
Later that evening we were sitting at a restaurant when we noticed some people stringing yellow scene tape, cordoning off a section of beach around some big rocks. We asked our waitress what was going on, she told us there was an injured seal washed up on the beach. Turns out she was totally making this up.
In reality, they were setting up for nocturnal SEAL training. As darkness settled in, rubber boat loads of cadets paddled onto shore. Once they landed, they did a variety of pointless, but really difficult, exercises like lunges with the boat held over their heads, push ups with their feet up on said boat, the kind of stuff I rebel against, which is why this whole boot camp exercise trend will have to carry on without me.
After they finished, they came to our side of the rocks where some guy on a bull horn yelled instructions at them. At one point he made them run into the water, (have I mentioned how cold the ocean is), roll around and then run back, it was kind of weird. He warned them that if they did not complete these tasks perfectly, they would be “recycled back to Instructor Wilkowski” who must be a real tool, because nobody seemed to want that to happen.
We found out why Instructor Wilkowski was to be avoided. He was the guy that made them climb over the huge, slippery rocks, in the dark, with their boat held over their head. Gads!
The whole thing was exhausting to watch, which is why we left and went for ice cream. We did have the decency not to eat it in front of the SEAL trainees. Frankly, I was afraid Instructor Wilkowski might see us and take our cones.
In my ongoing series about our recent vacation in San Diego, I would be remiss if I did not cover our trip to the San Diego Zoo. Clearly, the reputation as one of the world’s best zoos is well deserved, this is place is phenomenal.
We have a really good zoo in Toledo, Lil Mayhem practically lives there in the summer because they offer camps for kids and I think she has attended them all. In fact, she is designing new zoo habitats at this very moment. The number one attraction for us at San Diego was the panda exhibit, but I approached the Panda Trek with some trepidation, Toledo hosted the pandas from the National Zoo a few years back, they were a really big deal.
The day I went the line was ridiculous, but I patiently waited to see these rare creatures. The line moved surprisingly fast, when I got to the front I realized why. The panda had been asleep in the far back corner of the exhibit for hours, so basically I saw an immobile spot of black and white fur. The experience was not unlike driving past a dead skunk. Needless to say, I was a bit underwhelmed.
The San Diego pandas were amazing. The exhibit allowed you to get really close, they had three different sections so the line moved along, there were a lot of bears and they were very active. But the cherry on top was the baby panda, he was adorable. Now this is what a panda experience should be.
They also have a huge koala exhibit called Koalafornia. It was right across from the giraffe exhibit which we exited quickly as one of the male giraffes was feeling particularly randy and I felt at any minute it could turn into a scene I would prefer my kid not see. So, thank God for the koalas!
The koalas are really cute, part of their charm is their sleepy, sloth-like attitude. This seems less adorable when you learn their lethargy is caused by malnutrition. Yep, as it turns out, the eucalyptus they are always eating has zero nutritional value. Makes you wonder why they don’t feed them supplements, maybe an active koala would present a danger to the public so unfathomable, they don’t dare. Reminds me of a line from Burn Notice, “I like my psychotic killers a little sleepy, thank you.”
Finally, our favorite story comes not from the animals, but the people on display that day. When we arrived at the park they were doing a demonstration featuring a real live Cheetah. They gave all kinds of interesting facts about the Cheetah and described how the Cheetah hunted and why the Cheetah is endangered. After the demonstration the women asked if there were any questions. This kid raises his hand and honestly asked the following “Is that a Cheetah?” This, of course, became our catch phrase for the day, because even my 10-year-old immediately recognized the comedy gold in that one.